Some random thoughts on hospitality
I've been thinking about hospitality a lot lately, partly because I promised Sarah that I'd provide some ideas for her essay [book?] on the topic. Then I read some of Rick's posts about hospitality gone awry. So here are some of my musings on the topic of dinner parties.

Hospitality is about giving and putting guests at their ease, making them feel accepted and cherished. When certain rituals, conventions and expectations get in the way of that, you as the host have to just let them go. ("He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." -- Proverbs 17:9)

Is is polite for a guest to bring a hostess gift? Yes. Should you expect one? No. Perhaps your dinner guest's gift will be to offer to help with the dishes. Or perhaps your guest has no training in etiquette at all. He or she needs to be gently taught, not humiliated.

Say a guest comes to a group dinner party and seeing the other guests' bottles of wine or desserts, realizes he should have offered to bring something. So he turns to you, the host, saying in great embarrassment, "Oh no. I should have brought something. You must think I'm so rude."

You're centainly not going to put your guest at ease by agreeing that he is incorrigibly rude or by smiling condescendingly at his plight. Give him an out. "My friend, you have brought the best gift, a willing heart. Could you help me fill the water glasses?" (This doesn't mean your guest is obliged to be your servant for the evening. Just give him one or two easy tasks so that he feels he is being a good guest.)

Another way to handle this situation is to ask your guests to bring a specific item when you extend the invitation. Gear your request to the guest. The point is for them to feel comfortable, so don't ask for items that will take a lot of effort or expense to get. For instance, it's best to ask busy guests to bring something they can get at a convenience store--like ice, a few bottles of soda or ice cream. Cash-strapped guests could bring something inexpensive, like a box of tea.

Always say yes when a guest offers to bring something or help. Refusing a gift is a kind of rejection of that person. There's always something that will enhance a meal, even if it's just flavored coffee creamer, a new kind of tea or an ice cream topping. Treat your guest's gift with honor, even if it's something you don't care for. Honor their thoughfulness with kind words.

So what if you didn't think to ask a guest to bring something and she didn't offer either? The guest might surprise you, or she might not. Just be prepared if she brings nothing. Have some extra wine on hand, and a dessert that keeps, like sorbet or ice cream. Move along with your stored items if no food gifts are on offer, thanking God for your guest and for the privilege of serving her. Remember in Jesus's parable about the sheep and goats, when the King says "whatever you did for the least of these brothers of mine, you did it for me" (Matt. 25:40).