Rogue patrons, beware...
Putting the final touches on our annual report for the church library with our co-librarians, Joel and I started brainstorming ideas to deal with the perennial problem of overdues. The idea of advertising an "amnesty month" seemed appealing. We don't charge fines, so that's not really the issue. It's more that patrons are ashamed of having held onto something that belongs to the church for ages.

So it's getting late as we talk about this, and Joel is becoming more punchy by the minute. "Forget amnesty, we're too soft on these booksnatchers," he says. "You want the library books back? This is what we announce." [with appologies to Pres. Bush's Iraqi Freedom speechwriters]

NO MORE FRIKKIN LIBRARY AMNESTY
My fellow Tenth members, at this hour, diaconal forces are in the early stages of library operations to retrieve overdue books, to free them their borrowers and to defend us from this grave danger.

On my orders, diaconal forces have begun striking selected targets of library importance to undermine overdue borrower’s ability to retain books. These are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign. More than 35 ministries are giving crucial support -- from the use of office space, to help with intelligence and logistics, to the deployment of diaconal units. Every ministry in this coalition has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of serving in our common library defense.

To all the men and women of the diaconate now in people’s homes, the peace of a troubled library and the hopes of an oppressed congregation now depend on you. That trust is well placed.

The enemies you confront will come to know your skill and bravery. The books you liberate will witness the honorable and decent spirit of the Tenth diaconate. In this conflict, Tenth faces an enemy who has no regard for conventions of book-borrowing or rules of book-return.

I want the members of Tenth and all the world to know that diaconal forces will make every effort to spare innocent civilians from harm.

Our church enters this conflict reluctantly -- yet, our purpose is sure. The people of Tenth and our friends and allies will not live at the mercy of outlaw library patrons that threaten the peace with wanton disregard for our return policy.

Now that conflict has come, the only way to limit its duration is to apply decisive force. And I assure you, this will not be a campaign of half measures, and we will accept no outcome but victory.

My fellow Tenth members, the dangers to our library and our church will be overcome. We will pass through this time of peril and carry on the work of peace. We will defend our collection. We will bring freedom to our books and we will prevail.

May God bless our library and all who defend her.